The Bacherlorette – Hometown Dates

Constantine
My favorite moment of this week’s episode was when Constantine and his family were dancing in a circle and Constantine’s father pulled a Pacman Jones and started “making it rain” in the middle of the circle.

To be fair, Constantine's father may have just been trying to send a signal to the IMF that the Greek government still has plenty of liquidity

“Constantine my boy, thanks for bringing this beautiful dancer Ashley over to the couch, now I will throw money at her and she will take her clothes off for me.”

“No Dad, this is our living room, not the Hustler Club, I just brought Ashley home to meet the family.  We’re on ‘The Bacherlorette’ “.

“What the hell is that?”

“It’s a show where I compete with 25 guys to try to win the heart of a girl.  She makes out with a bunch of us, probably sleeps with 2 or 3 of us, and then one of us proposes to her at the end of three months while the entire thing is filmed and then edited to make us all look ridiculous.  Then we break up 6 weeks later.”

Did anyone notice the hot blonde waitress at Constantine’s restaurant?  Let’s just be honest  – what are the chances that Constantine and her have slept together?  85%?  You’re telling me the owner’s good looking son isn’t nailing the wait staff?  There’s no way that that is not happening.  That might have been the worst sentence I’ve ever written.  How about if i break it up with commas:  There’s no way, that, that, is not, happening.

Ames

"Am I seriously still here?"

1) Intelligent
2) Thoughtful
3a) Artistic
3b) Autistic
4) Good looking
5) Great smile
6) Probably gay
7) Loaded

This is a combination a lot of girls would jump at the chance to settle for.

I don’t think Ames was ever in danger of actually winning the whole thing, but he stuck around a lot longer than I had him in the office pool.  Plus, he landed a gig on the “Bacherlor Pad”, and most of the girls on my facebook feed think he is  “Sooo nice!”  Just a great job all around by Ames.

JP

I couldn’t quite tell from the episode, but did JP recently have his heart broken?  I’m not sure, was there and ex girlfriend who hurt him?  I really don’t know but I really hope JP doesn’t get hurt again.  Is it possible that Ashely might not pick JP and he’ll have his heart broken? Because I wouldnt want him to go through that again.   The most important thing is that JP doenst get his heart broken again.

OH MY GOD!  What did that chick do to him?  Did she kill his dog? Did she tape over all his high school baseball games with episodes of Grey’s Anatomy?  Did she cheat on him with his seven best friends?  Did she leave the milk out?

YIKES!  JP has always been everyone’s favorite (including Ashley), but aren’t we seeing some major red flags here?  If JP was a chick, everyone would be thinking one thing: BAGGAGE.

This is an interesting double standard – somehow it’s more acceptable for guys to talk about having their hearts broken.  For a girl this is a bad strategy, all of a sudden the guy starts thinking, “If she wasn’t good enough for that guy, maybe she’s not good enough for me.”  For a guy, it seems like women like seeing a bit of vulnerability.

Either way, JP must have pulled a “Mikey from Swingers” or an Owen Wilson from  “Wedding Crashers” and kept himself locked in his apartment with the blinds drawn for months as he made collages from pictures of his ex girlfriend.  His family didn’t want to see that happen again.

I think he’ll be OK – Ben’s hometown date was a disaster (see below), and he has great eyebrows.  So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

Look at those eyebrows!

Ben
Just a tip for all you romantics out there – this is not the way to introduce someone to your family:
“Hey…so…not to put any pressure on you or anything, but if my mom and sister don’t absolutely think you are the greatest woman on the planet, I’m going to have to immediately end things and never speak with you again.  If they don’t think you are perfect for me there is zero chance I will even attempt to be my own man and make my own decisions.  PS, they haven’t liked a lot of the girls I’ve brought home.   OK let’s go inside!”
“Seriously, no pressure…..”

I loved Ben’s sister’s attitude –

“I really don’t believe in this process, I don’t think you can find true love in three months while being filmed.  Oh yeah, by the way, I WAS THE ONE WHO SIGNED BEN UP FOR THE SHOW.  Also, if you pay close attention, if you watch the scene with Ben and I talking in the kitchen, I am reading off of cue cards.”

I thought Ben had decent chance of beating out JP, but he dug himself a pretty big hole with the hometown date.  What did he do to try to claw his way back?  He got the worst haircut I’ve ever seen just in time for the rose ceremony.  His hair is not long, but its not short either.  It’s stuck in a weird nether world with Ellen Page and Leo in Inception.  Hopefully his whole hometown date was just a bad dream.

Don’t stress about the hair Ben – I’m not sure if Ashley is that great of a catch.  If she was my dentist and I saw her every six months, she gave me nice cleaning and we had a nice chat,  I think I would be satisfied with the extent of our relationship.  It wouldn’t quite be worth asking her out.  Sure, we might find true love, but it probably wouldn’t work out, and then I’d have to find a new dentist.  She seems like a nice girl, but I don’t think she’s quite worth the trouble.

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment